Adoption has started my family. Adoption has fulfilled my heart. Adoption has hurt me. Adoption is easy. Adoption is hard. Adoption is complicated.
I secretly hoped that having C would erase ease the past two years. Maybe eventually it will?! I can still feel the pain of month after month not being pregnant. Friends and family getting pregnant, carrying their babies, and having them all in the time I was waiting and wanting to become a mother. I still feel guilty for not being 100% happy for them. It is so hard to explain being happy for someone else and hating it all at the same time. I guess you call that jealousy. And that I was. The decision to adopt was actually easy. We wanted a child and my body was failing to provide that naturally. Anyone suffering from infertility knows it is both physically and mentally painful. We never felt it necessary to have a biological child. We wanted to be parents and for us, biology was not and is not important. I'm not gonna lie, the waiting sucks. You can't do anything to make things happen. You are powerless. You just have to live life, knowing hoping that one day it will happen. It sucked to have our profile looked at and not picked. Frankly, it hurt my feelings. What was wrong with us? Should we do something different? Now I know that our profile was true to who we are, and nothing was "wrong" with us. Getting the first match was overwhelming. I could not believe it was actually happening. Finally, something was going right for us. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this", replays far to often in my head. I still have not wrapped my head around it all. What happened? We had such a great relationship beginning to bloom with the birth mom. I am still hurt, sad, mad over losing him. I was in love with the idea of being his mother. I think about him often and hope that one day it will soon fade into the background and just be a small part of a big picture. I never got to be excited in anticipation of being C's mother. Instead, I get the excitement of being C'smother. The love I have for her is nothing I thought it would be. It is stronger, it is deeper, it is amazing. Her smile melts my heart. Every little thing she does makes me so proud. Her laugh fills me with joy. Because of her, I am better.
“May the dreams of your past be the reality of your future”~Unknown
I am so happy that we are finally the same age again! It's about time you grew up a little! Today is your first birthday as a dad (to a human). I know that will make this day even more special. With each year that passes, I get to be apart of seeing the man you are becoming. You simply amaze me. #1) You put up with me and....still love me...more everyday. When you look at me it's like you fall more in love with me. I want that for C. I hope know that she will see what an amazing man her father is, and find someone who can make her #1. #2) You are the best dad...EVER! I always wondered what it would be like to see you as a father. It's better then I thought. You love C so much! You are so hands on. I see the love you have for C mirrors the love my dad has for me. There is nothing like pure father daughter love.
I love you more as each minute passes. I love the family we have created. I love our journey in life together. I am so thankful that I have you to share life with. You are my everything. I love you more then the birds love our attic!